Saturday, April 6, 2024

Yer girl is reflecting on life

Alright so basically, I go to a university that is known for having a very depressed student population. Almost all the posts on our subreddit or on our Instagram confession pages are from students saying they are lonely, have no friends, have no rizz, hate their life, want to die, etc. I am now doing my masters, and it appears that most of these posts are from undergrads. I used to be a depressed undergrad at this institution too, so I know what it's like. I am a lot happier in grad school, but I still struggle sometimes.

I don't have the solution to this issue. I just want to explain why this stuff is difficult to address, and why it is really hard to try to give advice to these students. Obviously, this is a major systemic issue. On a societal level, people are more depressed and lonely now and it's not their fault. It's because of economic factors outside of their control. 

Another thing that is worth mentioning is that the advice that is given to these lonely students is straight up contradictory in nature. On the one hand, they are told to join clubs, talk to people in their classes, maybe use dating apps if they want to rizz people up, etc. On the other hand, they are told that they should focus on The Grind, that happiness comes from within, not from your relationships with people and that they should be happy single and they shouldn't even rely on their friends for happiness. To me it seems like "human beings are social creatures and need community to be happy" and "happiness comes from within. learn to be self-reliant" are completely contradictory and irreconcilable pieces of advice. 

And I really don't know which is the correct path if you had to choose one of those. Sometimes hanging out with friends is the best thing ever and I feel like it heals me or makes life seem worth living, but sometimes I also find myself very disappointed with certain people and wonder why I even made the effort to be their friend and how I would have been better off just spending that effort on myself, not others. Sometimes focusing on my hobbies and The Grind and just ignoring everyone makes me feel really happy and satisfied, and I impress myself with how productive I am. Other times it's like "man preparing for this conference is so much work. I wish I could hang out with my homies instead."

I'm still trying to find a balance between socializing and focusing on The Grind that works for me. It's honestly easier said than done. 

One thing I've noticed though is that The Grind's results are a lot more predictable and reliable. If I work hard at learning a new skill, I kind of know that it's going to pay off. Meanwhile, if you invest time in a friendship or romantic relationship with someone, you have to do it knowing you're taking a huge risk. They might betray you, they might ruin your life, or in the best case scenario: they just leave you and it's pretty respectful and civil, but you still end up regretting all the time you wasted on them that you could have spent doing something else. We have a limited amount of time on this earth, and instead of hanging out with this person who ended up not being worth it, you could have been reviewing your Anki flashcards, or making art, or reading a book, or writing a blog post. Whatever it is that you consider being productive or fun. Is it really so wrong then for some people to just try to play it safe? If socializing is like gambling, can we really hate people who don't want to take the risk? You might "win big" by meeting someone great who likes and respects you, but is it really worth the time and effort when you could invest in a more stable stock? Idk.

Sunday, March 17, 2024

Mexihkateokwikameh

Mexihkateokwikameh is an album by a Mexican folk music group called Tzotzollin, which does prehispanic music. It is my favourite album of all time. In fact, I have been listening to it for over a decade. I do not think a better album has ever been produced, nor do I think there is a more beautiful culture in the whole world! The title means "sacred songs of the Aztecs." It uses a slightly different Nahuatl spelling system than what I am used to.

Mexica = the name the Aztecs called themselves
Teotl = this word can mean either "god" or "sacred"
Cuicatl= song

I must say that I am not an expert in Nahuatl, the most beautiful language ever. But every word I do know is amazing.

Teocuitlatl = gold. Literally "excrement of the gods"

Xochimiqui = a human sacrifice. Literally "flowery death" from xochitl (flower) and miquiztli (death).

I love it so much! I love these maize-eating people!

Also I usually don't listen to albums. I listen to individual songs. I don't care for artists or albums because I don't think all of their songs are ever good, just some of them. But the exception is Tzotzollin. EVERY SONG BY THEM IS GOOD. And both of their albums are good, but Mexihkateokwikameh is the absolute greatest!!!!!! Mexica tiahui!!!!!!! 

Monday, February 12, 2024

Always ask your friends if they would still be your friend if you were a worm

Yer girl is back even tho I was super busy cause I was on my grindset (I told y'all 2024 was gonna be my Renaissance year).

Anyway this is just going to be some quick life advice for all of you. My life may not be perfect, but one thing that makes it enviable is this: I have the most loyal and based friends in the whole universe. I know they would eat a centipede for me, and I would eat a centipede for them.

Now I will admit I don't have the best social skills (one time I "asked out" a "classmate" and I talked about Aztec human sacrifice methods the entire time I was with him and he never talked to me again). But you don't actually need good social skills to have loyal friends. Someone who truly loves you will not care about your looks, just like someone who truly wants to be your friend will not care about your social skills.

The key is to pick people who value friendship and loyalty, and who believe in consistency. So it's about picking the right people, not larping as a different person. Don't waste time on people who don't match your energy or who think you are clingy or needy or have no life just because you know how to prioritize BOTH the grindset and the social life. Yes I can be available to my friends while still slaying academically and professionally. If you can't it's simply a skill issue.

Also, while it may be a little toxic and manipulative to "test" people's loyalty, it doesn't hurt to ask the simple question of if someone would still be your friend if you were a worm. I asked my friend this and she texted back "lmao of course" within 3 minutes. That's one of my biggest flexes. Top tier friendship right there and guess what? She is a super busy PhD student but she didn't use being busy as an excuse!

Also it's important to remember that you shouldn't cut people off or be rude if they don't match your energy. Simply shift your focus to others. I hope this helps. 

Saturday, December 30, 2023

2024 is gonna be my Renaissance year

 In 2024 I'm going to become a Renaissance polymath. I made a bajillion new year's resolutions, but I'm actually going to do them all!!! Just u wait and see. It's going to be the worst year ever for my enemies. I won't bore you guys by posting the entire list, but I'll go over some of the main ones.

Scholarly Goals

I'm going to read 69 books and make sure the majority of them are either canonical works of literature or academic monographs. I'm also going to apply to more PhD programs outside of C*nada, since I don't want to stay here.

Language Learning 

I wanna be as good at Ojibway/Anishinaabemowin as someone who took two semesters of it in university. I want to learn some very basic vocabulary in Nahuatl and Spanish (I attempted to learn both of these languages before so it will mostly be re-learning) and I also want to improve significantly in French and Hindi so I can read books in both languages without having to look up words. When it comes to Urdu, I want to be able to read/write very basic words, and at least learn the script. Learning all the basic vocabulary is probably doable with Anki, which I am finding to be a very effective language-learning tool at least for covering the basics. For the languages I am more advanced in, like French and Hindi, I will benefit more from immersing myself in media in that language rather than using language-learning tools. 

Some based linguist made a helpful Anki deck for Ojibway, but I also made my own deck. Here is a trad sentence that I like: 


I kinda want to learn the syllabic writing system too, even though most people just use the Roman alphabet now. 

Artsy Stuff

I want to learn knitting, crocheting and embroidery. I want to re-learn to play the flute and bansuri. I am also going to begin the preliminary research for a historical novel that I want to write. I also want to learn how to do photorealistic art in coloured pencils. Right now, I'm taking a course that helps with this. Here are some attempts I made so far. I have no doubt that I will improve soon, and then people will say that I have God-given artistic talent. 




Since I also write poetry, I was wondering if I should make coming up with a poetry collection a goal as well. But I'm not sure about this. Maybe just a tiny collection for myself rather than to show other people?

Health

Honestly, this is probably my least favourite category of goals. But it is absolutely necessary because unfortunately I have a body and I am not just some spooky formless entity like I wish to be. So I'm going to get into hiking, learn to cook 10 new healthy dishes, get into yoga, start running regularly, start lifting weights, eat more protein and start learning martial arts. Somehow. Idk. I'll try. I have prediabetes so if I don't fix my health I'm going to d!e. And then I won't be able to accomplish everything else on the list because I will be dead lmao.

Appearance

I also hate this category of goals. But unfortunately, I'm not a formless entity which means people perceive me and I have to present myself in a way that makes people take me seriously and respect me. I hate society, but I have to do this stuff: learn how to do makeup, wear more skirts and dresses so I look more trad and respectable, grow my hair and nails longer, etc. 

Mental Health Stuff 

I know social isolation is not mentally healthy long-term however I'm going to be doing it for one year because I think it can be helpful in the short term. I'll still talk to my family and to the very small list of people who I actually trust. But outside of that, I'm not really going to bother making friends in 2024. and definitely NOT bother with dating because that shit is extremely cringe. If I'm focusing on my goals, there will be very little craving for social interaction. Maybe if my mental health significantly improves, I could work on socialization in 2025. 

Work/Volunteering 

I need to figure out some kind of side hustle other than tutoring or I need to scale up my tutoring. I could probably take on more clients, idk. We'll see. Also, even though it's hard to find a job, it also appears really hard to find volunteer positions. Like bruh no one even wants me to work for them for free lmao. But right now, I'm going through the training process for becoming a writing competition shortlister so it's going to be fun if that goes through and I can judge people's writing contest submissions. I think this will provide enough fulfillment when it comes to volunteering for now. But it's a remote activity, and I would have preferred real-life volunteering. But irl stuff that matches my skillset is hard to find. 

Other random goals

I need to avoid facebook and twitter because they are cringe. I like posting updates about my goals on Instagram though, especially since so many of my goals are artsy. I want to replace watching stupid self-help videos or political videos with just watching educational stuff. I like the YouTube channels Ancient Americas and Aztlan Historian, so I'll just watch those instead of cringe stuff. I also like podcasts like American History Hit and Bangii'eta Anishinaabemodaa (lets speak a little bit of Anishinaabemowin) so those are also examples of wholesome entertainment I can replace my cringe entertainment with in my downtime. 

Also, I think I will learn to code lmao. 

That's all I guess. Wish me luck cause imma need it. 

Happy New Year fam!!! You guys should make lots of ambitious new years resolutions too. 


Sunday, November 26, 2023

The Mysterious Manuscripts of Snekcoatl

 I am making this post to share some unpublished poems I found in a manuscript by a previously undiscovered author. This reclusive genius once roamed a part of the earth that used to be a boring suburb in the fallen state of Canada. Their name was "Snekcoatl," which is a really weird name. This manuscript was unearthed near a high school in the suburb that has the same name as the suburb. We've found artifacts from that high school too, which has been abandoned for some 500 years since The Incident. There were plaques from the English department of the high school commemorating the genius Snekcoatl, who was apparently a prodigy. There was also apparently a rival writer named V*c. Apparently she had strong ties to Snekcoatl, though it is unclear whether the two were the best of friends or the worst of enemies. 

Some other manuscripts unearthed in Tkaranto, the city that was then known as Toronto, suggest that Snekcoatl and V*c spent a brief part of their lives there. They could have been academic rivals in the academy that once stood there, competing for influence. We have some obscure and threatening letters from V*c that were sent to Snekcoatl. It appears that there was also a building at the institution named after V*c. 

Snekcoatl did not get the recognition that they deserved during their lifetime. But perhaps some of these poems will help to shed some light about what life was like in "Canada" before The Fall. So I am sharing them because they could be useful to historians, and also because they do a fine job of capturing the feeling of yearning and languishing, which appear to be the two main themes. 

Poems of Yearning

Snekcoatl's handwriting, though childish and messy, was not impossible for me to transcribe. The only thing that was really annoying to me as transcriber was that Snekcoatl did not attempt to give their poems respectable titles. And so the first one is simply called "Poem I wrote for a Femboy who made me lose #NoSimpSeptember (it's so over for me)." From this we can guess that the poet was unlucky in love. This one appears to be insulting the sun as a symbol of masculinity.

 You must have been starving where you were,

as you hungered for beauty,

you turned to the ancient, the flowery, the romantic,

when they wanted you to see the light of reason and become a critic,


I never wanted the splendid sun,

that ball of light,

nor the urns decorated with images of heroes, warriors,

the bold speeches of leaders that conceal wicked deeds,

the bloody conquests,


I only longed for the pale moon,

She's like you in your black gowns like raven's wings,

with your love most chaotic and unreasonable


Now for the historians rather than the literary critics reading this, 
we can guess from the reference to urns that Greco-Roman aesthetics 
still had some impact on the country that the poet lived in even though 
it was a rather uncultured society. It was still a part of western civilization, after all. 
Or perhaps it represents the poet trying to grasp at some semblance of culture 
even though they lived in a rather cultureless void. 

This next one is titled "when will exam season end i can't take this shit any more."

 The diligence of a scholar, 
 alienated from the world, 
 has resulted in a row of glittering prizes, 
 on the shelf, 
 perhaps I'm doing it all, 
 to feel worthy of you, 
 but I'm losing the game, 

 consumed by my reading during the day, 
 every night is the same, 
 I return to your arms in my dreams, 
 no matter how hard I try, 
 to forget you when I'm awake, 
 how do I forget you at night? 

 My longing for you, 
 is an animal within me, 
 desiring to escape civilization, 
 and lose itself in your wilderness, 
 sheltered by you,
 my refuge from the world, 
 the others desire glory and fame, 
 but you make me want to forget my own name


The pathetic simping of this poem can alert us of the 
economic system of the poet's society 
and how it caused humans to worry about 
The Grind over human connection. 
This is what resulted in the speaker's 
feelings of isolation. However, 
Snekcoatl was in some ways ahead 
of their time. 
They realized the value of nature 
over The Grind and the dreary 
colonial cities that once existed here. 
Fortunately, under The New World Order, 
we've allowed nature to reclaim many such areas.

Poems of Languishing 

I would like to shift the focus now to poems of languishing. Although they contain less simping, they are still a bit depressing. And they can teach us a lot about the lives of immigrants, which Snekcoatl certainly was. And about the kind of culture they were part of. 

This one is called "Quetzalcoatl (devotional)." From the title, we can guess where Snekcoatl gets their pen name from. We don't know their real name, but the name Snekcoatl was certainly inspired by this Aztec deity. It also references a gathering for Indian Muslims, and so it gives us a huge clue about what Snekcoatl's culture was. The whole poem seems to reflect a desire to escape from the boring suburb where they lived, to seek love and refuge elsewhere.

Under your soft wings

Watched by your

Eyes full of love

With pupils like slits

Sheltered in your green plumes

And your endless mercy


I remember at the majilis

They said there is a world

Beautiful beyond imagination

But they must have been mistaken

About the pomegrantes and date trees

Because I am certain they must have meant

Your land of cloud forests and quagmires 


The next one references Norse mythology and is called "conversing with the Fates." The language used here certainly seems conversational, I suppose. And it is natural for one living in a world with harsh winters to turn to Norse myths for references. 

 Oh, if there be Fates spinning my destiny, 

Then we must all be at their mercy,

Sitting under Yggdrasil, those ladies,

must not know how to continue my story,


Fates! What is this?

You are cruel ladies,

and I will never understand your ways


If all you can dream up is so outrageous,

so inconsistent with the past,

How can the trajectory of my life end up like this?


I've never been more certain that there are no gods.


The last thing that I'm going to say about this poet is that they were probably young when they wrote these. I would say not far into adulthood. Their invocation of the Fates may be because their life was unfurling in a way that they never would have imagined in their childhood. And they were shocked and disappointed by this. 

I will be back if I discover more manuscripts by this author. 






Sunday, November 12, 2023

I'm pro-natalist but not in a cringe right wing way

I am pro-natalist because I think people should have more babies and the government should provide incentives for this. But no I am not a cringe right winger. I still support unrestricted access to abortion. I just think that people should be fruitful and multiply. I literally just wanna see couples on the street holding hands and staring into each other's eyes and saying "I love you" and inviting me to their wedding and then I want them to have at least 9 babies. That's all. I'm not a right winger. I don't even want to have kids because I think pregnancy is scary and also I don't wanna be sleep deprived. New mothers are always sleep deprived. I like peace and quiet and having a cArEeR. But women who would rather raise children than have a cArEeR should be able to do so. Because lets be honest, a lot of careers are stupid. And I think it is generally better for society to raise children (which represent the continuity of our glorious human civilization and culture) than to push buttons in a cubicle for 8 hours a day (which is cringe). I am prochoice and a feminist tho, so I think a woman should be able to push buttons if she wants to. To be honest I would rather push buttons than raise a child. Because raising a child is actually hard. I think m*n don't realize how hard it is because no matter how much they believe in equality they usually still make their wife do all the domestic labour. M*n need to understand that the only thing they can do that may be almost as glorious as giving birth is dying in battle.

Anyway that concludes my rant. My last post was about death, so I think it needed a sequel about birth. Have a good day!!! 

Thursday, November 9, 2023

If I d!e young

I know it's kinda weird to make a blog post about death (I promise I'm okay guys) but you know, accidents do happen and maybe I will be eaten by an alligator tomorrow! That is why I am making this post. Just in case. So that people will know what I want to happen after I die.

So first of all you can donate my possessions to people who need them. Tell my family and frens that I love them.

Then I want to be a cadaver. I want med school students to dissect me and learn about my organs. It will be better for them than online classes! A doctor who only went to Zoomschool would be terrifying. The basement of the Medical Sciences building at the University of Toronto is a sp00ky place. I think they have freezers with cadavers there where I can chill.

Then I want y'all to have a funeral for me but it better not be lame. Once you're done crying and doing simp shit like making speeches about how great I was and how much you loved me, you better throw a party. I will not find this disrespectful as long as everyone thinks the party is lit. Make it in honour of me. Dress up as my favourite animals (snakes, axolotls and turkeys), eat my favourite food (corn) and do stuff you guys think I would've enjoyed.

Anyway, that's all. Remember u cant spell funeral without fun. Stay lit fam.

PS: Also I am obsessed with Santa Muerte or the Aztec goddess of death known as Mictecacihuatl. She is a skeletal lady. Maybe have a picture of her there or something. Thanks! 

Sunday, October 15, 2023

mountain trollesses and handsome knights

 I am somewhat obsessed with a Swedish folk song called "Herr Mannelig." I've adored it since my childhood. There are many different performances of the song by different bands. Some are more traditional, but there's also a metal version by In Extremo. There are translations into other languages (I found an Italian version that goes hard). My favourite version is by Garmarna. It has a slow tempo, and it's easy for me to sing along even though I don't actually know Swedish. 

The narrative of the folk song is pretty interesting. It's about a mountain trolless who wants Herr Mannelig to marry her. She offers him various gifts including a sword, two goats, a silk shirt, etc. He says that he would be willing if only he were a Christian woman, but because she is a pagan he rejects her. 

I don't know why, but I think this song is an absolute banger lmao. 

There's also an Icelandic song about another knight, Olav Liljeros (Olaf Lily Rose) who meets a mountain trolless who begs her to live with him. But when he refuses, she STABS him!!!!!! He escapes wounded but later dies. He refused her for the same reason as Herr Mannelig, because he knew she wasn't a Christian. 

Bonkers stuff, and I don't know exactly how to interpret it. But I find it interesting and I also think these songs are great. I like listening to different covers of them. 

Someday I really want to meet an ethnomusicologist. Maybe one who focuses on Scandinavia, or the Andean region, or Mongolia. All these places have epic music. 

Saturday, October 14, 2023

Diabetic yearning greentext

Diabetic yearning

>be me
>depressed af
>eats 50g of sugar a day to cope with sadness
>doctor says I have high blood sugar
>october comes
>I get my nails done in candy corn colours
>Goes into candy store
>I can't buy anything, only y e a r n
>employee compliments my nails "they're like candy corn haha nice"
>Goes to class
>Classmate offers me a rocky road dream cookie from Tim Hortons
>"No thanks bro" "what kind of a person doesn't like cookies?" "i'm diabetes" "Oh, makes sense"
>Goes to friend's house
>Denies offers of snacks 
>friend says "relax it's just prediabetes not actual diabetes"
>"I know but I'm doomed!!!! I'm literally doomed. Can't you see??? "
>friend's roommate who is a med student says "yeah she can't stop it, only slow it down"
>feral screams



Tuesday, October 10, 2023

13 things I like about myself

1. I have an honours degree with a high gpa from one of the best universities in my country

2. I was able to maintain a bunch of close, extremely wholesome friendships from high school by being a loyal fren!! They all regularly talk to me and express how much they value me. 

3. I make very cool drawings of women in traditional clothing and animal-human interactions!! 

4. I am the best walker in my Pacer app group. I get at least 10,000 steps a day and I am defeating my worst enemy. 

5. I did my first 5 km run this month and had a great time! Met some cool people through it. 

6. I won a scholarship for my masters!!!! It covers my whole tuition. 

7. I have great taste in music (extremely cultured) and I go to live medieval and renaissance concerts. 

8. I don't get nervous during public speaking because I know I sound based 

9. I stopped my nailbiting habit and I actually like how my nails look now!!!

10. I can pull off funky colourful hipster clothing and also light academia very well 

11. I am working hard to improve myself

12. I eat way less sugar now than I used to

13. I am making this list to help me with my self-esteem ❤️


Sunday, September 17, 2023

feral screams

 my life is so messed up right now oh my god 

anyway, I'm gonna do some self-reflection rn. Basically like using my blog as a public diary. 

I've been starting to improve my physical health (going to the gym, eating healthier, remembering to take my vitamins, going to sleep at a reasonable time) and working towards some non-school related goals (like learning a new language). I've also been keeping up with studying so I can get good grades, but this is something I've always been good at. During my undergrad however, I was noticing that I was neglecting everything else in my life (friendships, health, hobbies, etc.) just to get good grades. It paid off, because I'm now in a masters program with a full scholarship. But I realized I can't continue my old ways. Lots of grad students have advised me that I need to figure out how to take care of my health if I want to be successful in grad school. If I keep pulling all-nighters, wasting time on social media, and eating a bunch of sugary and processed food, I'm probably not going to do as well. 

You might be wondering why I started off this post by saying my life is messed up. I've been a lot healthier lately than I have been in a long time. I woke up early this morning to hit the gym. Yesterday, I went on a run with some "frens" (more like colleagues since they were profs and grad students) and tomorrow I'm going on another run with this other "fren" (classmate). I always get enough sleep and feel well-rested. I've been eating lots of fruits and vegetables, and I've been keeping on top of all my readings even though it's a huge workload. I've also been reviewing Ojibway vocabulary every day. If y'all want to learn this language too, I recommend using the free lessons on https://ojibwe.net/. It's been so nice to just have a random hobby like this that can satisfy my yearning and hunger for beauty and interrupt the horrible unbearable boringness of my everyday life. Learning about cultures, languages, or art really fills the void in me. Or at least almost does. 

The truth is, I've been feeling calmer over all and have less days where I burst out into tears for no reason (although this still happens sometimes). But I wouldn't say my mental health has really improved. I've become so good at instilling habits that will make my life better. I have a haircare and skincare routine. I usually review my Ojibway vocabulary flashcards in the morning (and do longer practice sessions once a week or so). I make sure my breakfast includes healthy carbs so I can have energy for the whole day. But I still don't have the thing that I really want, which is an emotional support system. Like bruh, I literally just want friends. Friends with common interests who value me, who initiate plans, who are good at texting back. 

I also found that when I religiously focus on school, health and hobbies, there's pretty much no time left over to socialize. Sure, I have study seshes or workout seshes with my "buddies," and I have some old friends who I text sometimes, but I still feel so hopelessly alone, disconnected from the world and isolated. To be honest, I don't know how much of feeling lonely is real and how much of it is just in my head. But I literally feel like no one would really care if I died tomorrow. This may just be in my head though, I have no idea. 

During my undergrad, I tried so hard to make friends and it never worked out. Now, I'm not even trying any more because I've been hurt so much by social rejection already. I just do workout or study seshes with people, and if we have a break during our lectures I'll ask someone how they are. That's pretty much it. Maybe I shouldn't be complaining, cause there are probably people who are getting even less social interaction than I do. 

My chronic loneliness is making me really sad. No matter how much I try to ignore it and not think about it and focus on other things, I still feel really empty. I don't let the sad feelings consume me or prevent me from doing what I want any more though. My melancholy hasn't gone away, I've just become stronger and better at handling it. 

The yearning for beauty, art, and culture is also a yearning for love, whether platonic or romantic. I want friendships that are super supportive and wholesome and emotionally passionate and don't just feel like regular "frens" or classmates. It's so cursed that I grew up in a boring Canadian suburb and now I live in some dreary grey city for school and everyone is like a NPC and nothing is beautiful or special around here.

welp, i gotta study now. lmao bye.

Tuesday, September 5, 2023

Daily Gratitude Post

 I feel like such a NPC doing this, but lets just give this a try. You know how some people think writing down stuff you're grateful for makes you feel better about yourself? It used to make me feel worse because of my low self-esteem. I'd be like "wow I don't deserve any of these nice things in my life." But then I tried to put a spin on it and make it about self-gratitude. That kind of helps. Think of it as writing down things you like about yourself, or thanking yourself for doing things that will make life easier for the future you. Here are 5 things I'm grateful for today:

1. I moved into my dorm this week and everything went smoothly. It's so cozy and nice here.

2. I'm grateful for the view outside my window fr because I can see trees :o 

3. I'm proud of myself for remembering to eat my vitamin D supplement this morning!!!! 

4. I'm grateful that I did the readings for my class on Friday lmao

5. I'm grateful that my interactions with my roommates were normal and not sus!!

That's all for now. I'll try to write down 5 things daily and then see if my mood improves. 

Monday, September 4, 2023

I can no longer pretend I'm not depressed

 

My life is falling apart and it's literally a dumpster fire right now. The enemies praying on my downfall have won, and I can't say I didn't deserve this because I have committed sins that not even Allah can forgive. 

Anyway, at least school is starting soon so I can use homework to distract myself from how much everything sucks. Life is so hard as a vitamin D deficient person with high blood sugar who hates going outside and has severe attachment issues and back pain. I honestly feel like I have nothing to look forward to and that I hate everyone. I'm glad I have a decent therapist to help me with this stuff (after going through like 4 different therapists who didn't help). But it's not enough and every day is worse. I'm going to scream.

#NoSimpSeptember hasn't been going that well so far honestly. I'm not actually s*mping over anyone, I just haven't been using this time to be productive like I should. I have a research paper due soon that I still haven't finished (for the summer job I was doing) and I really wanted to finish it before sch**l started but I don't think I will now. So I will have to do that and school at the same time fml. 

Tomorrow I have a general orientation for grad students, and then I will have one for only people in my department. I wish I could say I'm excited. I guess I am a little. But mostly I am thinking about how I may not be able to make it out alive of such an ordeal and how I am scared to talk to people. 

I am going to go now since I don't think dwelling on my sadness is really helping with anything. I've been advised to have hope for the future rather than wallowing in self-pity but it's easier said that done. 

For now, yer girl has no hope, no energy, no self-esteem, no plans, no goals, and no hobbies other than brooding, pondering, languishing, bewailing, and bemoaning. 

Friday, September 1, 2023

No Simp September Day 1 #NoSimp2023

Okay I think #NoSimp2023 is going well for me so far. I had a session with my therapist that seemed to go well. basically there was something I felt really guilty about doing but my therapist tried to get me to forgive myself for it. I thought there was no way I could forgive myself, but honestly now I kind of understand I was in a very bonkers and delusional state for a long time. I can't blame people who are bonkers for doing certain things. They don't have control over their actions and my delusions were strong. That's been helping me move on and forgive myself for the situation and I know I will never do something like that again. Also I used to not agree with "inner child theory" but my therapist applies it to my life in a way that makes sense. I feel good because I've had so many cringe and mediocre therapists before, but this one seems like she's actually helpful. 

I went to the park with my parents and grandparents too so I actually touched grass and spent time with my family, which is also good. Also my dad had a Hindi song from the 1950s playing in the car and it contained a lot of riddles. I was kinda obsessed with it. The answer to one of the riddles was "corn" lmao. 

हरी थी मन भरी थी लाख मोती जड़ी थी 
हरी थी मन भरी थी लाख मोती जड़ी थी 
राजा जी के बाग़ में दुशाला ओढ़े खड़ी थी 
राजा जी के बाग़ में दुशाला ओढ़े खड़ी थी 
आ आ आ आ आ आ आ आ आ आ 
कच्चे पक्के बाल हैं उसके मुखड़ा है सुहाना 
ईचक दाना कच्चे पक्के बाल हैं उसके मुखड़ा है सुहाना 
ईचक दाना बोलो क्या बोलो बोलो 
बुड्ढी

The personification here is crazy cause it's like "she was green, she was happy, she wore 100,000 pearls/she stood in the king's garden wearing a shawl/her hair was raw and ripe"

The maize kernels are called pearls, the corn is growing in a garden and the cornsilk is referred to as hair. The husk is the shawl. Honestly at first I had no idea what was going on because I thought these lyrics were literally describing a person (they are meant to sound like they're describing a woman) then I was like bruh this stanza is about corn. There are other interesting riddles in the song too but this was my favourite one. 

Another productive thing I did today was practice Anishinaabemowin (I've been pretty good about reviewing vocabulary every day using Anki). Idk if you guys have ever used Anki but it lets you make flashcards that you can save to your computer and review offline. It uses the spaced repetition technique to help you memorize things so you're seeing the words you don't know more often than the ones you already memorized. Don't ask me to say stuff in Anishinaabemowin because I hardly know anything yet. I can just recognize random words (animals, colours, numbers). And maybe if someone asked "Aaniin ezhi-ayaayan?" I would know they're saying "hi how are you?" and I could respond with "nimino-ayaa. giin dash?" (I'm good, how are you?). But I really can't do more than that cause I've only been learning this language for like a month lol. And unfortunately not with a class or a speaker, just with online resources. 

I should go do more stuff now to make the most of #NoSimpSeptember. Maybe I'll read. Or do some packing for moving in to my dorm room. I hate packing but it definitely needs to be done lol ;-;; okay well i know how to say i'll see u l8r it's gigaa-wabaamin naagaj. 

Thursday, August 31, 2023

No Simp September 2023

I just wanted to announce that No Simp September is here. There is only one rule for this month: Don't be a simp.

However, I like to celebrate this annual tradition by trying to be super productive and being on my grind. Focus on your goals during No Simp. If you work on bettering yourself, you're more likely to succeed this month.

Good luck to everyone participating! I'll keep y'all updated, probably just with short posts about my progress.

Oh yeah, and here's a random drawing I made recently. My title for it is "The Snek King's Chosen One." This September, imagine that you are indeed the Chosen One and that you have a higher purpose in life than to be a s*mp!