Saturday, April 6, 2024
Yer girl is reflecting on life
Sunday, March 17, 2024
Mexihkateokwikameh
Monday, February 12, 2024
Always ask your friends if they would still be your friend if you were a worm
Saturday, December 30, 2023
2024 is gonna be my Renaissance year
In 2024 I'm going to become a Renaissance polymath. I made a bajillion new year's resolutions, but I'm actually going to do them all!!! Just u wait and see. It's going to be the worst year ever for my enemies. I won't bore you guys by posting the entire list, but I'll go over some of the main ones.
Scholarly Goals
I'm going to read 69 books and make sure the majority of them are either canonical works of literature or academic monographs. I'm also going to apply to more PhD programs outside of C*nada, since I don't want to stay here.
Language Learning
I wanna be as good at Ojibway/Anishinaabemowin as someone who took two semesters of it in university. I want to learn some very basic vocabulary in Nahuatl and Spanish (I attempted to learn both of these languages before so it will mostly be re-learning) and I also want to improve significantly in French and Hindi so I can read books in both languages without having to look up words. When it comes to Urdu, I want to be able to read/write very basic words, and at least learn the script. Learning all the basic vocabulary is probably doable with Anki, which I am finding to be a very effective language-learning tool at least for covering the basics. For the languages I am more advanced in, like French and Hindi, I will benefit more from immersing myself in media in that language rather than using language-learning tools.
Some based linguist made a helpful Anki deck for Ojibway, but I also made my own deck. Here is a trad sentence that I like:
Artsy Stuff
I want to learn knitting, crocheting and embroidery. I want to re-learn to play the flute and bansuri. I am also going to begin the preliminary research for a historical novel that I want to write. I also want to learn how to do photorealistic art in coloured pencils. Right now, I'm taking a course that helps with this. Here are some attempts I made so far. I have no doubt that I will improve soon, and then people will say that I have God-given artistic talent.
Health
Honestly, this is probably my least favourite category of goals. But it is absolutely necessary because unfortunately I have a body and I am not just some spooky formless entity like I wish to be. So I'm going to get into hiking, learn to cook 10 new healthy dishes, get into yoga, start running regularly, start lifting weights, eat more protein and start learning martial arts. Somehow. Idk. I'll try. I have prediabetes so if I don't fix my health I'm going to d!e. And then I won't be able to accomplish everything else on the list because I will be dead lmao.
Appearance
I also hate this category of goals. But unfortunately, I'm not a formless entity which means people perceive me and I have to present myself in a way that makes people take me seriously and respect me. I hate society, but I have to do this stuff: learn how to do makeup, wear more skirts and dresses so I look more trad and respectable, grow my hair and nails longer, etc.
Mental Health Stuff
I know social isolation is not mentally healthy long-term however I'm going to be doing it for one year because I think it can be helpful in the short term. I'll still talk to my family and to the very small list of people who I actually trust. But outside of that, I'm not really going to bother making friends in 2024. and definitely NOT bother with dating because that shit is extremely cringe. If I'm focusing on my goals, there will be very little craving for social interaction. Maybe if my mental health significantly improves, I could work on socialization in 2025.
Work/Volunteering
I need to figure out some kind of side hustle other than tutoring or I need to scale up my tutoring. I could probably take on more clients, idk. We'll see. Also, even though it's hard to find a job, it also appears really hard to find volunteer positions. Like bruh no one even wants me to work for them for free lmao. But right now, I'm going through the training process for becoming a writing competition shortlister so it's going to be fun if that goes through and I can judge people's writing contest submissions. I think this will provide enough fulfillment when it comes to volunteering for now. But it's a remote activity, and I would have preferred real-life volunteering. But irl stuff that matches my skillset is hard to find.
Other random goals
I need to avoid facebook and twitter because they are cringe. I like posting updates about my goals on Instagram though, especially since so many of my goals are artsy. I want to replace watching stupid self-help videos or political videos with just watching educational stuff. I like the YouTube channels Ancient Americas and Aztlan Historian, so I'll just watch those instead of cringe stuff. I also like podcasts like American History Hit and Bangii'eta Anishinaabemodaa (lets speak a little bit of Anishinaabemowin) so those are also examples of wholesome entertainment I can replace my cringe entertainment with in my downtime.
Also, I think I will learn to code lmao.
That's all I guess. Wish me luck cause imma need it.
Happy New Year fam!!! You guys should make lots of ambitious new years resolutions too.
Sunday, November 26, 2023
The Mysterious Manuscripts of Snekcoatl
I am making this post to share some unpublished poems I found in a manuscript by a previously undiscovered author. This reclusive genius once roamed a part of the earth that used to be a boring suburb in the fallen state of Canada. Their name was "Snekcoatl," which is a really weird name. This manuscript was unearthed near a high school in the suburb that has the same name as the suburb. We've found artifacts from that high school too, which has been abandoned for some 500 years since The Incident. There were plaques from the English department of the high school commemorating the genius Snekcoatl, who was apparently a prodigy. There was also apparently a rival writer named V*c. Apparently she had strong ties to Snekcoatl, though it is unclear whether the two were the best of friends or the worst of enemies.
Some other manuscripts unearthed in Tkaranto, the city that was then known as Toronto, suggest that Snekcoatl and V*c spent a brief part of their lives there. They could have been academic rivals in the academy that once stood there, competing for influence. We have some obscure and threatening letters from V*c that were sent to Snekcoatl. It appears that there was also a building at the institution named after V*c.
Snekcoatl did not get the recognition that they deserved during their lifetime. But perhaps some of these poems will help to shed some light about what life was like in "Canada" before The Fall. So I am sharing them because they could be useful to historians, and also because they do a fine job of capturing the feeling of yearning and languishing, which appear to be the two main themes.
Poems of Yearning
Snekcoatl's handwriting, though childish and messy, was not impossible for me to transcribe. The only thing that was really annoying to me as transcriber was that Snekcoatl did not attempt to give their poems respectable titles. And so the first one is simply called "Poem I wrote for a Femboy who made me lose #NoSimpSeptember (it's so over for me)." From this we can guess that the poet was unlucky in love. This one appears to be insulting the sun as a symbol of masculinity.
You must have been starving where you were,
as you hungered for beauty,
you turned to the ancient, the flowery, the romantic,
when they wanted you to see the light of reason and become a critic,
I never wanted the splendid sun,
that ball of light,
nor the urns decorated with images of heroes, warriors,
the bold speeches of leaders that conceal wicked deeds,
the bloody conquests,
I only longed for the pale moon,
She's like you in your black gowns like raven's wings,
with your love most chaotic and unreasonable
Poems of Languishing
I would like to shift the focus now to poems of languishing. Although they contain less simping, they are still a bit depressing. And they can teach us a lot about the lives of immigrants, which Snekcoatl certainly was. And about the kind of culture they were part of.
This one is called "Quetzalcoatl (devotional)." From the title, we can guess where Snekcoatl gets their pen name from. We don't know their real name, but the name Snekcoatl was certainly inspired by this Aztec deity. It also references a gathering for Indian Muslims, and so it gives us a huge clue about what Snekcoatl's culture was. The whole poem seems to reflect a desire to escape from the boring suburb where they lived, to seek love and refuge elsewhere.
Under your soft wings
Watched by your
Eyes full of love
With pupils like slits
Sheltered in your green plumes
And your endless mercy
I remember at the majilis
They said there is a world
Beautiful beyond imagination
But they must have been mistaken
About the pomegrantes and date trees
Because I am certain they must have meant
Your land of cloud forests and quagmires
The next one references Norse mythology and is called "conversing with the Fates." The language used here certainly seems conversational, I suppose. And it is natural for one living in a world with harsh winters to turn to Norse myths for references.
Oh, if there be Fates spinning my destiny,
Then we must all be at their mercy,
Sitting under Yggdrasil, those ladies,
must not know how to continue my story,
Fates! What is this?
You are cruel ladies,
and I will never understand your ways
If all you can dream up is so outrageous,
so inconsistent with the past,
How can the trajectory of my life end up like this?
I've never been more certain that there are no gods.
The last thing that I'm going to say about this poet is that they were probably young when they wrote these. I would say not far into adulthood. Their invocation of the Fates may be because their life was unfurling in a way that they never would have imagined in their childhood. And they were shocked and disappointed by this.
I will be back if I discover more manuscripts by this author.
Sunday, November 12, 2023
I'm pro-natalist but not in a cringe right wing way
Thursday, November 9, 2023
If I d!e young
Sunday, October 15, 2023
mountain trollesses and handsome knights
I am somewhat obsessed with a Swedish folk song called "Herr Mannelig." I've adored it since my childhood. There are many different performances of the song by different bands. Some are more traditional, but there's also a metal version by In Extremo. There are translations into other languages (I found an Italian version that goes hard). My favourite version is by Garmarna. It has a slow tempo, and it's easy for me to sing along even though I don't actually know Swedish.
The narrative of the folk song is pretty interesting. It's about a mountain trolless who wants Herr Mannelig to marry her. She offers him various gifts including a sword, two goats, a silk shirt, etc. He says that he would be willing if only he were a Christian woman, but because she is a pagan he rejects her.
I don't know why, but I think this song is an absolute banger lmao.
There's also an Icelandic song about another knight, Olav Liljeros (Olaf Lily Rose) who meets a mountain trolless who begs her to live with him. But when he refuses, she STABS him!!!!!! He escapes wounded but later dies. He refused her for the same reason as Herr Mannelig, because he knew she wasn't a Christian.
Bonkers stuff, and I don't know exactly how to interpret it. But I find it interesting and I also think these songs are great. I like listening to different covers of them.
Someday I really want to meet an ethnomusicologist. Maybe one who focuses on Scandinavia, or the Andean region, or Mongolia. All these places have epic music.
Saturday, October 14, 2023
Diabetic yearning greentext
Tuesday, October 10, 2023
13 things I like about myself
Sunday, September 17, 2023
feral screams
my life is so messed up right now oh my god
anyway, I'm gonna do some self-reflection rn. Basically like using my blog as a public diary.
I've been starting to improve my physical health (going to the gym, eating healthier, remembering to take my vitamins, going to sleep at a reasonable time) and working towards some non-school related goals (like learning a new language). I've also been keeping up with studying so I can get good grades, but this is something I've always been good at. During my undergrad however, I was noticing that I was neglecting everything else in my life (friendships, health, hobbies, etc.) just to get good grades. It paid off, because I'm now in a masters program with a full scholarship. But I realized I can't continue my old ways. Lots of grad students have advised me that I need to figure out how to take care of my health if I want to be successful in grad school. If I keep pulling all-nighters, wasting time on social media, and eating a bunch of sugary and processed food, I'm probably not going to do as well.
You might be wondering why I started off this post by saying my life is messed up. I've been a lot healthier lately than I have been in a long time. I woke up early this morning to hit the gym. Yesterday, I went on a run with some "frens" (more like colleagues since they were profs and grad students) and tomorrow I'm going on another run with this other "fren" (classmate). I always get enough sleep and feel well-rested. I've been eating lots of fruits and vegetables, and I've been keeping on top of all my readings even though it's a huge workload. I've also been reviewing Ojibway vocabulary every day. If y'all want to learn this language too, I recommend using the free lessons on https://ojibwe.net/. It's been so nice to just have a random hobby like this that can satisfy my yearning and hunger for beauty and interrupt the horrible unbearable boringness of my everyday life. Learning about cultures, languages, or art really fills the void in me. Or at least almost does.
The truth is, I've been feeling calmer over all and have less days where I burst out into tears for no reason (although this still happens sometimes). But I wouldn't say my mental health has really improved. I've become so good at instilling habits that will make my life better. I have a haircare and skincare routine. I usually review my Ojibway vocabulary flashcards in the morning (and do longer practice sessions once a week or so). I make sure my breakfast includes healthy carbs so I can have energy for the whole day. But I still don't have the thing that I really want, which is an emotional support system. Like bruh, I literally just want friends. Friends with common interests who value me, who initiate plans, who are good at texting back.
I also found that when I religiously focus on school, health and hobbies, there's pretty much no time left over to socialize. Sure, I have study seshes or workout seshes with my "buddies," and I have some old friends who I text sometimes, but I still feel so hopelessly alone, disconnected from the world and isolated. To be honest, I don't know how much of feeling lonely is real and how much of it is just in my head. But I literally feel like no one would really care if I died tomorrow. This may just be in my head though, I have no idea.
During my undergrad, I tried so hard to make friends and it never worked out. Now, I'm not even trying any more because I've been hurt so much by social rejection already. I just do workout or study seshes with people, and if we have a break during our lectures I'll ask someone how they are. That's pretty much it. Maybe I shouldn't be complaining, cause there are probably people who are getting even less social interaction than I do.
My chronic loneliness is making me really sad. No matter how much I try to ignore it and not think about it and focus on other things, I still feel really empty. I don't let the sad feelings consume me or prevent me from doing what I want any more though. My melancholy hasn't gone away, I've just become stronger and better at handling it.
The yearning for beauty, art, and culture is also a yearning for love, whether platonic or romantic. I want friendships that are super supportive and wholesome and emotionally passionate and don't just feel like regular "frens" or classmates. It's so cursed that I grew up in a boring Canadian suburb and now I live in some dreary grey city for school and everyone is like a NPC and nothing is beautiful or special around here.
welp, i gotta study now. lmao bye.
Tuesday, September 5, 2023
Daily Gratitude Post
I feel like such a NPC doing this, but lets just give this a try. You know how some people think writing down stuff you're grateful for makes you feel better about yourself? It used to make me feel worse because of my low self-esteem. I'd be like "wow I don't deserve any of these nice things in my life." But then I tried to put a spin on it and make it about self-gratitude. That kind of helps. Think of it as writing down things you like about yourself, or thanking yourself for doing things that will make life easier for the future you. Here are 5 things I'm grateful for today:
1. I moved into my dorm this week and everything went smoothly. It's so cozy and nice here.
2. I'm grateful for the view outside my window fr because I can see trees :o
3. I'm proud of myself for remembering to eat my vitamin D supplement this morning!!!!
4. I'm grateful that I did the readings for my class on Friday lmao
5. I'm grateful that my interactions with my roommates were normal and not sus!!
That's all for now. I'll try to write down 5 things daily and then see if my mood improves.
Monday, September 4, 2023
I can no longer pretend I'm not depressed
My life is falling apart and it's literally a dumpster fire right now. The enemies praying on my downfall have won, and I can't say I didn't deserve this because I have committed sins that not even Allah can forgive.
Anyway, at least school is starting soon so I can use homework to distract myself from how much everything sucks. Life is so hard as a vitamin D deficient person with high blood sugar who hates going outside and has severe attachment issues and back pain. I honestly feel like I have nothing to look forward to and that I hate everyone. I'm glad I have a decent therapist to help me with this stuff (after going through like 4 different therapists who didn't help). But it's not enough and every day is worse. I'm going to scream.
#NoSimpSeptember hasn't been going that well so far honestly. I'm not actually s*mping over anyone, I just haven't been using this time to be productive like I should. I have a research paper due soon that I still haven't finished (for the summer job I was doing) and I really wanted to finish it before sch**l started but I don't think I will now. So I will have to do that and school at the same time fml.
Tomorrow I have a general orientation for grad students, and then I will have one for only people in my department. I wish I could say I'm excited. I guess I am a little. But mostly I am thinking about how I may not be able to make it out alive of such an ordeal and how I am scared to talk to people.
I am going to go now since I don't think dwelling on my sadness is really helping with anything. I've been advised to have hope for the future rather than wallowing in self-pity but it's easier said that done.
For now, yer girl has no hope, no energy, no self-esteem, no plans, no goals, and no hobbies other than brooding, pondering, languishing, bewailing, and bemoaning.
Friday, September 1, 2023
No Simp September Day 1 #NoSimp2023
Okay I think #NoSimp2023 is going well for me so far. I had a session with my therapist that seemed to go well. basically there was something I felt really guilty about doing but my therapist tried to get me to forgive myself for it. I thought there was no way I could forgive myself, but honestly now I kind of understand I was in a very bonkers and delusional state for a long time. I can't blame people who are bonkers for doing certain things. They don't have control over their actions and my delusions were strong. That's been helping me move on and forgive myself for the situation and I know I will never do something like that again. Also I used to not agree with "inner child theory" but my therapist applies it to my life in a way that makes sense. I feel good because I've had so many cringe and mediocre therapists before, but this one seems like she's actually helpful.
I went to the park with my parents and grandparents too so I actually touched grass and spent time with my family, which is also good. Also my dad had a Hindi song from the 1950s playing in the car and it contained a lot of riddles. I was kinda obsessed with it. The answer to one of the riddles was "corn" lmao.
हरी थी मन भरी थी लाख मोती जड़ी थी